Conversation entre la lettre E et X.

-« Salut, je suis la lettre E
-Oh vraiment?
-Comment se fait-il que vous êtes avec d'autres lettres, alors?
-Eh bien, afin que vous puissiez comprendre ce que je dis.
-
Vous devriez vous suffire à vous-même.
-Alors je dis "E" et vous devriez comprendre ce que je dis tout de suite?
-Exactement!
-C'est un peu fou, comment pouvons-nous nous comprendre alors?
-Eh bien, il faut bien essayer!
-Ok!
-Je vais être la lettre X
-Ok.
-X
-E
-X
-E
-X!
-E?
-X ...
-E.
-X (XX)
-E.
-X
-E
-X?
-E!
-X, xxxxxxx
-Pourquoi avez-vous mis plusieurs X si l'on devait se suffire à son sens dans son ensemble?
-Just pour vous distraire, ça serait mortellement chiant à lire autrement, grâce à mes répétitions, vous imaginez des choses que je pourrais dire.
-Ouais ...
Eh bien lisez de nouveau et regardez comme je m'efforce d'être différent!
-Je ne peux pas regarder ce que nous avons dit…
-Oui, vous pouvez, utilisez le rouleau de votre souris pour regarder en haut et vous pouvez lire à nouveau, ça s'appelle la technologie.
-C'est cool.
-C’est bon?
-Non, je n'ai pas pu parce que je suis utilisé actuellement je ne peux pas faire les deux.
-Oh, car il y avait un «E» dans la phrase donc vous deviez être présent?
-Eh bien oui, que feraient les phrases sans les « E »?  C’est facile pour vous, vous êtes un X!
-Je suis une lettre sexy.
-Comment ça…
-Eh bien, je suis dans le mot sexe, sexy, et à moi tout seul  je veux dire bisou, surtout en Grande Bretagne.
-Heu, je suis confus…
-T’as jamais regardé Gossip Girl?
-Avec Chuck Bass!?
-Ouais!
-J'adore cette série, c'est excellent.
-Je pense que c'est de la merde, mais le Chucky s’habille bien.
-Carrément, tu crois qu'il s'habille de la même façon dans la vie réelle?
-Comment saurais-je cela ?
-Eh bien, dans l'article du magazine « Elle » où ça dit "Sexy Chuck Bass!" Vous devriez être en mesure de voir les photos ...
-Ben toi aussi alors…
-J’essaie tout simplement de faire la conversation ...
-Belle effort, mais c’est raté.
-Mais la lettre S est plus sexy que vous c'est sûr!
-Il a tendance à lécher les bottes de l'écrivain ouais ...
-Haha t’es jaloux!
-Comment savez-vous, il n'y a pas de tonalité.
-Ouais, mais je devine.
-Devine encore…
-Qu’est ce que vous avez ressenti alors?
-Eh bien cela dépend, dans différents Je me sens différent, dans excitée je me sens excité, dans rblaemert je me sens rblaemert, dans ...
-C’est quoi rblaemert?
-C'est moi quand je tombe en bas des escaliers.
-Ridicule ...
-Un peu comme M?
-Pourquoi M?
-M est schizophrène.
-Vraiment?
-Quand il se retourne, il devient un W.
-Il doit être une personne très occupée.
-Oui, pas comme O, parfois, il apparaît avec sa tête vers le bas et les gens ne le savent même pas.
-C'est dommage pour lui.
-Pourquoi?
-Je parle encore de W
-Vous voulez dire de M?
-Non de W.
-W n'est pas schizophrène.
-Vous m'avez dit qu'il l’était.
-Non, je n'ai pas, je dis seulement ce que je dis en ce moment, je suis toujours en direct.
-?
-Pourquoi toujours compliquer les choses?
-Donc vous n’êtes pas que dans le direct, vous avez évidemment une mémoire.
-Oui, mais je ne peux pas me souvenir de tout.
-Tu es tellement chiant, un peu comme, oh, attendez une seconde, quelqu'un sur facebook doit se servir de moi.
ATTENTE
ATTENTE
ATTENTE
-Re!
-On avait besoin de vous?
-Oui, la personne aimé quelque chose donc j’étais dans « j’aime"
-Wow, vous devez être là pour tous les « j’aime » de Facebook?
-Ouais ...
-Putain, c'est beaucoup de travail.
-Je sais, je me fous de ce qu'ils aiment, mais ils continuent de m’utiliser.
-Haha. T’as pas trop le choix, tu es dans le mot « j’aime ».
-« Comme j’aime les kebabs! » Ridicule… Comme si j’avais que ça à foutre.
-Vous devez être bien payé par contre avec tout ce boulot.
-Oui carrément.
-C'est excellent, qu'allez-vous faire avec cet argent?
-Je vais payer pour être dans le prochain livre d'Amélie Nothomb.
-Waaaaaaaaa! Tu as l'argent pour cela?
-Ouais! Ça fait 4 ans que j’économise.
-Arf, un adolescent est en train de regarder Gossip Girl, j'ai besoin d'être là pour XOXO!
-Tu reviens après?
-Je ne crois pas, son ordinateur est foutu, ça bugue, ça dit « XOXO » non-stop.
-Ok, bon je vais surement te recroiser bientôt.
-Oui, au fait, nous aurions pu parlé du mot « ex », à nous deux, nous sommes un mot..
-Ca aurait été la facilité, je suis content qu’on ne l’ai pas fait.
-Je suis d’accord, au revoir!
-Ciao ! Xxxx! xoxoxo!
-Salope ».

Lables on people. Etiquettes sur les gens.

Procrastinator
Little dickhead
Lazy
Whipping boy
Proactive
Pessimistic
hitler worshiper
Satanist
Jerk

Hidden

There are 6 hidden messages in this painting.
There's a pretty big contrast between the "look" of the painting and the messages.
Can you find them all?
No you can't.

The title is what's written on the canvas.

Size: 60*60
 It's a shame i'm bad at taking pictures, it looks amazing in real life. In this picture, it looks like i threw some smarties on a canvas.
                                                             It took me a wee while.

STOLEN!


I've changed the painting "ryanair ou easyjet" and did a collage on it.
The image on it is a painting by Klimt that has been stolen 14 years ago.
The painting was being moved and stayed a few days near a window because they were going to put it in an other gallery.
And apparently a cheeky sneaky guy stole it using a crane and a massive hook.
What a legend.

You're better like that.


Dear "Lucky strike ou Marlboro"
I liked you at first, then i thought that you were very pale,
You were in fact not that cool,
Shite painting skills,
Shite message.
So i've added a Hitler moustache, some funky red glasses, and some splash of green that looks like cum.
Now i can put you on my wall.

Keep it on.

Size: 60*60

I've put a phosphorescent paint, so the background and eyes shine in the dark.

Citation.

"On ne croit pas aux folies des gens sensés: - Quelle perte pour les droits de l'homme!"
Nietzsche

The story of the marble and the sculptor.

Click on link!


A film by Mark Dorrian + Yoann Reininger
music by Lloyd Alex

"People are here when you need them
sometimes they're not
so you look for them
you expect them to be around the corner
it's at this point only that you realise that they're not an object
that you may have treated them like it before
and the other person may still feel like an it instead of a him
you just need to find the perfect moment when both realise what they are for each other"

- Yoann Reininger

E and X.

“-Hi i’m the letter E
-Oh are you now ?
-How come you’re with other letters then?
-Well so you can understand what I’m saying.
-You should suffice to yourself.
-So I say “E” and you should understand what I’m saying straight away?
-Exactly!
-That’s kinda sick, how can we be understood then?
-Well, let’s try it!
-Ok!
-I’ll be the letter X
-Ok.
-X
-E
-X
-E
-X!
-E?
-X…
-E.
-X (XX)
-E.
-X
-e
-x?
-E!!
-X, XxXxxXX
-Why did you put several X if one should suffice to it’s whole meaning?
-Just to distract you, it would be dead boring to read otherwise, thanks to me you imagine stuff that I could possibly say.
-Yeah…
-Well look again and see how I try to be different!
-I can’t look what we said…
-Yes you can,  use the roll on your mouse to look up and you can read again, it’s called technology.
-That’s cool.
-Done?
-No I didn’t because I’m being used right now so I can’t do both.
-Oh because there was an “E” in the sentence so you had to be present?
-Well yeah, what would they do without an E? It’s easy for you, you’re an X!
-I’m a sexy letter.
-How…
-Well, I’m in sex, sexy, sexes and all by myself i mean kiss.
-What?
-Never watched gossip girl?
-With Chuck Bass?!
-Yeah!
-I love this show, it’s awesome.
-I think it’s shite, but Chucky does dress well.
-He really does, do you think he dresses the same in real life?
-How should I know…?
-Well in the article where they say “Sexy Chuck Bass!” you should be able to see the pictures…
-So can you then.
-I’m just making the conversation…
-Good effort but massive fail.
-But S is more sexy than you that’s for sure!
-He does tend to lick the boots of the writer yeah…
-Haha you sound jealous!
-How do you know, there isn’t any tone.
-Yeah but I’m guessing.
-Wrong guess.
-How did you feel then?
-Well it depends, in different I feel different, in excited I feel excited, in rblaemert I feel rblaemert, in…
-What’s rblaemert?
-That’s me when I fall down the stairs.
-Ridiculous…
-A bit like M?
-Why M?
-M is a skysophren.
-Really ?
-When he turns around he becomes a W.
-He must be a very busy person.
-Yes, not like O, sometimes he pops in with his head facing down and people don’t even know it.
-It’s a shame for him.
-Why?
-I was still talking about W
-You mean M?
-No W.
-W ain’t skysophren.
-You told me that he was.
-No I didn’t, I’m only saying what I’m saying right now, I’m always in live.
-?
-Why do you always complicate things?
-See you’re not live, you obviously have a memory.
-Yes but I can’t remember everything.
-You’re a pain, a bit like, oh wait a second, someone on facebook needs to use me.
WAITING
WAITING
WAITING
-Back!
-What were you needed for?
-The person liked something so I was in “Like”
-Wow, you have to be there for every Like on facebook?
-Yep…
-Shit man! That’s a lot of work.
-I know, I don’t give a fuck what they like, yet they still use and show me.
-Haha.
“-Superstar Like the picture of French fries and commented “ OMG! I cannae wait!!!!!!!”
-You could not have been there if he would have write can’t instead of cannae.
-I know, but it’s fine I’ve been paid more.
-That’s sweeeeet, what are you going to do with this money?
-I’m going to pay to be in the next book of Amelie Nothomb.
-Waaaaaaaaa! You got the money for that?
-Yep! J
-Arf, a teen is watching gossip girl, I need to be there for XOXO!
-You coming back?
-No her computer’s fucked, it says XOXO non-stop.
-Ok, well I’ll probably see you around.
-Ok, by the by, we should have talked about ex, you and me are a word.
-It would have been the easy option, I’m glad we didn’t.
-Fair enough, bye!
-See you! Xxxx! xoxoxo!!!
-Bitch.”

In Fact...

Speak For Yourself.

"-Man, it doesn't make sense.
-What doesn't?
-Well our faces.
-Tell you what, i don't care, i'm still going for it.
-Stop trying to sound cool
-Can't help it, i'm what we call a natural.
-Show-off
-Well i'm not really chosing what i'm saying
-What do you mean?
-Euh... We're a drawing, made by Yoann, so i guess he's the one who decides.
-That's true.
-I don't know why he makes you look like a fool though and why i sound like a fairly confident character.
-Yeah you're right...
-I didn't say anything...
-What?
-I didn't say anything, stop talking, you're distracting me from not moving.
-Who talked then?
-Guess you moron!
-Yoann?
-BRAVO!
-It's confusing.
-Yeah it's a mind-fuck.
-Him again!
-No that was me mate.
-Who me?
-Well Yoann, i thought i'd pop in to say hello.
-Where is the other one then?
-He doesn't really exist you know, neither do you.
-So you're having a conversation with yourself?
-Indeed.
-You sad fucker.
-Sorry?
-That was the other one, it wasn't me!
-But i am the other one!
-Oh i thought i was talking with Yoann.
-No he left after saying indeed.
-Interesting.
-And who said that?
-The three of us.
-The three of us? How can i not know this?
-Because you don't exist, who said that we're only 2 or 3?
-Because you don't exist, who said that we're only 2 or 3?
-Why did you repeat?
-Because we just changed the roles.
-What?!
-Yeah he wants you to be the moron now.
-Who the fuck is he?
-Who he?
-Well him!
-What the other one?
-No i'm the other one.
-Gosh you're right.
-It's bloody ridiculous.
-Hi i'm the new one!
-Yeah that's exactly what we need!
-Nice to meet you.
-You're coming in the middle of a situation.
-Yeah what's going on?
-Well we're the three of us with eventually more of us talking with him while being me and him with the other one who's a smart ass but we changed roles so now i'm the smart one and... And i forgot after that.
-Sounds complicated.
-Yeah so can you please go away, we need to find each others.
-Ok bye.
-Yaldi he's gone.
-No i'm still here, someone else left.
-Is this going to stop?
-I don't know, the reader is still reading so i guess i can go on forever.
-Haha he's smiling.
-Who?
-The reader.
-What if the reader didn't smile?
-I don't care, one fucker smiled that's for sure.
-Sweet of you to insult them...
-They're even more intrigued now, it's part of the plan.
-Yeah it's funny how people put more attention on bad things.
-T'as carrement raison, ils doivent rien comprendre.
-Oh so now you speak French?
-Ben oui.
-Not everyone speak French you know that...
-Absolument rien à foutre, c'est mon texte, je fais ce que je veux.
-Bon d'accord.
-Ah tu parles Français egalement!
-Ils doivent etre vexés comme des poux.
-I agree.
-T'as dis un truc en Français pour leur donner espoir?
-Exactement.
-Certain d'entre eux utilisent google traduction.
-Haha la loose, c'est enervant à faire.
-Bon moi je dois y allé!
-Moi aussi!
-Moi aussi!
-Me too!
-Me too!
-Ciao!
-Au revoir!
-Good bye!
-Bye!"

What happens when there isn't any customer.

The Love Letter.

Feeling loved and to love is probably the thing that shake me the most, that I’m always running after and running away at the same time. A bit like climbing a volcano, do 3 steps forward, but go down of the equivalent of 2 steps because of the sand, sometimes you even fall down big time. It hurts, you’ve got sand in your mouth, you struggle to breathe, sit down for a bit and start climbing again, even if you have a few cuts on your skin. But I don’t think that inconsiderable love and true devotion comes easily, you’ve got to get to the top first. You also need good shoes. Maybe you need to jump once you’re at the top of the volcano, giving yourself is a bit like skydiving, there’s no coming back, just have to hope that the parachute opens.
I have loved in the past, much more than I thought I was able to. I used to hate it, I felt like a children that was trying to run a marathon. But when it stopped after some long years I was sad that the warmth in my heart was gone. As if she had drained everything from me. I didn’t understand really, the confusion was huge, emptiness seems nothing comparing to how I felt.
Life couldn't you just hug me? Let me live. Let me go far away. Let me be near love, game, laughing, tears. Let me be a violin or a voice singing. Let me be a noise. Or simply a fart. Yes I’d fancy being a fart… Which is actually something that most people pretend to despise despite everything that it brings us! Such hypocrisy revolts me. I think that one of  the best feeling ever is when you surprise yourself, some people only have the smell and noise of their farts to surprise themselves (yes some people are sad). It also -sometimes- creates a complicity between two people, because you show that you’re just a human. So instead of spitting on it, become an adept of the dutch oven. Yes yes you’ve heard me.

Let’s get back to the point. I went into a quest of feelings. Touch love but not shake it’s hand was what I used to think when going out. How can I do this?
I could observe other couples that seem tight? Nah that’s just good for a wank-bank. Kiss a random girl? Nah it won’t work. Show my special skill with my right hand? No.
Hummm.
How about  a letter… yes a letter, a love letter. Let’s do it the old-fashion way. Let’s make the girl believe that I fell in love with her, and maybe her kiss will be like a fireball jumping all around inside my body, it might be a bit mean but you’ve got to break some eggs to make an omelet, I can’t wait to find my eggs, I hope they’ll be from a factory farm that cram egg-laying hens into cages so tiny they can’t even spread their wings. Plus, their neighbours, our dear breeding pigs and veal calves are stuffed into cramped individual cages barely larger than their bodies. They can’t walk or turn around. Those are the best eggs for my letter.
Ouft, I have to write a letter… Never done this before, I should keep it simple, something brief, a note that I can give her.
So I take 5 minutes to write this that will stay in my pocket:
“I want to have you in my arms as you fall asleep –tonight- hold you tight while whispering in your ear how pulchritudinous you are, i miss your smell already.”
Yes, perfect, she probably won’t know what that word means, so she’ll ask me, I’ll tell her, she’ll kiss me.
I luckily meet the perfect potential partner at some party, I gave her the note earlier in the night and I manage to end up alone with her, we’re about to kiss.
 I look at her, it’s as if we both don’t think about anything, the music seems far away, I stroke her hair, I slowly turn it back behind her ears, I walk toward her by putting my hands on her neck. I kiss her gently, taking her upper lip between mine, I look at her briefly without moving, her eyes are closed, she’s waiting for the kiss to continue, god she’s beautiful. After a few tens of second, when she feels ready, we open our mouth, letting our tongues meet, her delicacy is delightful, it’s warm, the movements are the most sexual thing ever and the most tender at the same time, there is a perfect harmony,  I’m shivering of pleasure, we’re both becoming a bit clumsy, we lose concentration because of how good it was, as if there is too much intensity in the kiss. I feel satisfied. She kissed me as if she loved me, I did the same, forcing me at first, it then became natural. I slowly stop the kiss.
 I sigh. I’m happy for a brief moment then realize that I now have to get rid of her. Nothing comes to my head, I’m still a bit under the effect of that kiss. The only thing that comes to my mind is with a wry smile on my face: “What did you eat before?” Her teeth are impeccable, and so was her breath but I had to find something… I know it’s pretty bad, but at least next time I’ll see her (because Glasgow is fairly small) she won’t talk to me.
So I leave, well she left before, looking very shocked. As I leave I realize that I’m more in love with the idea of love rather than love itself. Am I an idealistic? Well that sucks… At least I was satisfied for the night, I don’t regret what I did, I kept saying merci slowly as I was walking away in the dark street, maybe some day you’ll understand. And I fart.

The Rules.

The embrace of the dark, feeling like shit is probably the best feeling ever, it’s always something that i avoid but also research, something that has been stalking me my all life, i feel i can’t live without it, very similar to your first love, it’s there, wherever you’re going, you can see some signs of it, you try to ignore it sometimes but it becomes impossible to the point where you just have to embrace it.

The fact that you can realise what you’re avoiding makes you stronger, a bit cliché indeed, i feel like i’m quoting spiderman, but hey some of my readers are brainless useless waste of mother nature so i have to entertain them even if they send me messages like «  You’re a fucking cunt » Well, someday i’ll find you and we’ll see who’s the cunt.

After all, before being at the top, you have to seduce the mass, which is more easy that one might think, basically, have a look and be able to talk about what matters to those people, and they’ll think that you’re a godsend, if you’re good at it. The Art of mass manipulation is something that you can’t take lightly. You can notice i’ve put an A at the « art » to show my respect to it. Some incredible artists have been living in the past but didn’t have a clue when it comes to sell yourself, some were talentless fuckers but knew.
Even nowaday as you’re reading, there is an artist who didn’t eat for 2 days because he’s living his art too fully, lost in his madness which was at first his only way to avoid his harrowing sensibilty. With times it became without him realising, his own tomb.

That’s when i come in, if you’re an artist (or pretty much everything) but you’re a talentless fucker when it comes to you, well that article is for you !

Be tall, beautiful and slim.

Yes i know that sounds pretty bad, but it has been proven that tall people are seen as more intelligent people ( how sad are we), they are paid better as well, so don’t be afraid to wear heels, even if you’re a guy, i myself am 1m74 but with heels, and my big hair, some people have thought in the past that i was at the very least 1m80 (people exaggerate a lot, probably because we’re just bored of our own existence, nothing else to say). Some famous people are the same size, but because they’re known, we think that they’re taller. If you’re very small, well go fuck yourself and die alone. Or become a tyran, that’s an other story.

Be beautiful… humm… Well i can’t help you here, sorry mate.

Actually for guys it’s easier, we’ll always be more remembered by our personnality than our physique, for girls, go to the bank, ask for money pretending that you’re going to open a business about feeding sheeps, get the money and redo your face, or have a diet, become skinny and you’ll be hot…

Be slim.

Take drugs. Or become poor. Or go live in Africa.

Be class !

Yes style is very important ! If you have a slipknot or nirvana t-shirt, maybe it’s time to put it in the bin and take a shit on it. Be elegant, and instead of looking like someone, look like yourself. Look at Serge Gainsbourg, he wasn’t the kind of guy where his ugliness could be discussed, he was ugly. But he had a face, i myself have a broken tooth because of a fight, i show it with pride, it’s part of my history. It’s what we call « It gives you character ! ». They usually say this to make you feel better, but hipocrisy’s good. Girls like faces that have a story, unlike guys that prefer a doll-face on girls.
 And after all, you have a face, a body, stop moaning about it, it’s a waste of time and even more narcissistic than me, so love yourself and maybe you’ll be able to love other people.

Wear glasses. Yeah that works pretty well, the bigger the frame, the higher your IQ will be to them. If you’re already smart, why not look even smarter ? I don’t know any person that is smart enough so go for it.
 Less is more… Fuck that, more is more. We’re in the 21 century. Look at Lady gaga, she loves meat. The earth don’t have long to live so give it some memories. ( Nah i don’t believe in 2012, i can’t wait to open a bottle of champagne that day, and shake it on people face’s, Formula 1 style. It’s obviously the perfect image of what a man should be. « Look at my cum ! It’s all over your face ! I’m such a man ! » )

Talk loudly and fast.

Apparently, the faster we talk, the faster our brain is suppose to work. It has been proven that people with fast handwriting are smarter, so forget your school handwriting, make it your own !
I myself have worked a lot on it. I have the most beautiful handwriting i’ve ever seen, because it’s esthetically nice to the eye but you can see my personnality through it, every line that i write is for me a confession, i feel at one with myself, it’s probably my favourite hobby, just so i can see me, in the past i've written the same word more than a hundred time in a row while observing the shape of the lines, an exquisite moment. The mirror shows me fuck all.
 Let it go without thinking of people not being able to understand it, if you’re important enough, believe me, they’ll make an effort.
Studying of handwriting used to be my obsession at the age of 13, then i discovered body language... If you can’t talk very fast for some reason, compensate with a rich body language and a gaze that would be able to stab someone’s soul through the eyes, i don’t want to tell you how to have this gaze. It took me years to be able to have, at my will, a powerful, intense gaze, you wouldn’t believe how easy it is to do.
  
People who talk loudly are seen as smarter, don’t talk in your beard, it inspires diarrhea coming out from an hemorroides-arse. Not something that you want. So express yourself ! That guy that you think is fucking cool and you wish to be him, well first ask him a fag (because you only have to idealize people that are « touchable » if i may say, not a celebrity. That’s just sad.) It’s important to have someone to look up to, it brings you up, age has nothing to do with it, people who might be tempted to say that after a while you're "mature" so you don't have to do all that shit, well go fuck yourself, how pretentious would it be to say that i can’t get better anymore? 
 There are lots of fascinating people living amoung us, make an effort to meet them, but avoid the cunts as you’re doing it.
 I am looking up to someone, probably not in the area that you think.

We only live 80years for the lucky ones, it's very short, there is no after life, we're nothing, why would we "stay" when dead? How do i know? Let's say that when i'll die, i'll be able to say i've lived my life and if reborn in a cat i'll say fair enough.
I'd be pretty pissed off to be reborn in a cow or whatever. If i'm wrong... I'll kiss your feet in front of everyone.
 
Have a destructive laugh!

Yes ! We can tell so much by the laugh of someone, it can give so much energy to someone else, or communicate a certain state of mind. I myself adapt my laugh according with who i am, it became natural, instinctif, a very animal thing to do. I’m like a wild lion that will roar louder in front of an elephant than if i was in front of a cat, actually i’d probably just take a piss on the cat. Basically adapt your laugh to the image that you want to give, while keeping in mind that your hand shouldn’t get in front of your mouth as you laugh, the sound should be a tinsel.

Have a good body language.

That’s the hardest, as it’s very hard to control and will take you time. I’m not telling you to look like Brap Pitt in Fight Club, it’s a movie. Some people are able to identify themselves to a character in a movie, it’s easy to spot them, they’re usually charismatic for a short amount of time, and then when out of their comfort zone, their shyness take over and they look like an animal that hasn’t been fed by mummy. They’re my favorite victims.
I strongly believe that people who have a too « charismatic » body language at first are people who used to identify themselves with someone of a movie or someone that they used to look up to (therefore not the real person) and became something that they see as « it » but became victim of their own ego and can’t get out of it. They might look amazing, but how can you look so different whe you grew up in a normal environment? Only the dreams took you where you are. If you fake something with conviction, it can become you. That’s the bottom of the bottom, the depression will never be far. Haha, you deserve it dickhead.Or not!


Only when you’ll know how to do all this and use it on people, you’ll become yourself. It’s not necessarily worth it, but it can be.

People make you. So never be ashamed when on your own to dance like a moron on britney spears, or look at yourself in the mirror while doing some weird faces or shoving your fingers up your nose and shouting like a new-born, doing private jokes, when masturbating yourself, or whatever you do on your own, because that’s you being beautiful. Just keep it for yourself… Y’ know ?!

Go buy yourself some chocolate now, it’s good for you.

A French In Glasgow. Party 3/3

I sit next to her, her perfume is amazing, i recognize it in a second, it’s Tom Ford tobacco vanilla, but she’s been sweating so the smell is a bit bitter. She could have shaved her armpits better than that but I’m used to it. In France every girl have a forest as an armpit, a bit like the Amazonia, very humid and full of unknown plants. I used to be proper disgusted by even half of a millimeter of hair in the armpit. Now I don’t really care, I guess I’m changing. Thank fuck.
Okay here is one of the rule when you talk to a girl. Sexualize the conversation! The number of guys I’ve seen who go talk to a girl that they like but only talk about… I don’t know, they just don’t know how to talk! Girls first come by what they hear, they’ll know how you fuck according to how you talk. So articulate, never underestimate the power of words, it’s the most beautiful thing on earth, so cherish it, it opens so many doors, especially the one that you want to open.
A good way to charm people as well, very good to do in a seduction mode, is to use lots of metaphor, because it makes the imagination of the person work, if you say. “I get it” it won’t have the same effect as “It’s as clear as a deep blue sky of winter” Because they will see that sky. Told you! Never underestimate words! I have lots of other secret that I may or may not give to ya… Depends of my mood.
As I do all this, I started to talk to the girl, as usual I pretend to be fairly naïve. My head is slightly tilted to the left, in order to not look to rigid, if it’s tilted on the right the effect won’t be same, it’s not the desired effect right now. My legs are crossed, a guy is comfortable when the right leg is on top of the left, for the girls it’s the contrary, that’s why I approach them as if they are some unknown object. Because they are.
 But we are to them as well, and this is a message to girls; we( guys) are more complex that you might think, we don’t think with our cock, but if you want to understand us. Picture an elastic that represent the interest of the guy. You pull it at both extremity and then let one of the extremity go. But then you start again. That’s how we work. That explains our “He didn’t text me for a week now!” So stop panicking, texting us and have meeting with your girl friends where you talk shit for hours, instead play the game, be a femme fatale, keep your frustration for something more productive, let us come back to you, we’ll be very likely to be a sweetheart. But hey if you don’t swallow, that might be another reason. And sleeping with another girl is not cheating, it’s comparing. It’s not just about you.
Let’s get back to the story, I don’t hesitate to ask :” What is this?” because showing that you accept that you don’t know something is endearing. I’m also lucky to be a very curious person and pretty much everything interest me and fascinate me, I guess on my own I’d be jumping in the grass naked making up songs about love while drawing an apple, but people made me become who I am, very French (Woo didn’t mention the fact that I’m French for a long time, what’s wrong with me?!) and borderline sociopaths when it comes to try to interact and understand people. I thank you.

The girl is being very nice, I’m enjoying myself, she’s actually lovely, I’d smash her back doors in. But I suddenly notice that she’s got a ring on her right index and on the ring finger, right index being the image of the father, ring finger symbol of love, and she keeps playing with them. I ask her innocently if she chooses to put those rings on those fingers, she says yes, they’re always on those fingers.
Fuck, the girl is in love with her father, I can picture her as a child on her daddy’s lap being the happiest girl in the world. Guys will never be good enough for her, she’ll always compare them to daddy, she’s the worst of a kind. She thinks that daddy is the prince, she had too many slutty Barbie as child, result she’s a lost idealistic bitch who in her fall is taking guys with her because she can’t face the reality. But something doesn’t seem right to me.
I ask her to describe her dad to me, out of nowhere, her reaction shows that I touched a nerve, it’s as if I just emotionally raped her, I just touched the untouchable, plus she’s drunk so she’s even more emotive than usual. We start talking about it, after a while, she finally tells me that she found out that her dad cheated on her mum, it all seems contradictory right now, funnily enough she keeps moving her ring of her finger. Poor girl, the man of her life, her first male model suddenly becomes a cunt. Imagine the confusion in her head.
She tells me it’s the first time that she tells someone because she feels “ashamed” but she’ll be fine now, something of your past becomes a problem only when you don’t talk about it, keep it for yourself and bury it in the dark region of your heart. I suddenly get very bored of her, I’m not sexually nor mentally stimulated by her anymore, complete lost of interest. So I leave, because I need to,  before the interest leaves me.

THE END.

A French In Glasgow. Australia dannae want me!

Big news today. I find out that i’m going to be an uncle tomorrow which is kinda exciting because I can be involved if I want to, but I can decide to not be involved, so I can experiment and see how I’ll react to a baby.
I’m planning to do some experiment on that innocent baby. Babies are born with personalities, I can’t wait to observe him before he finds out about all the social codes, I’ll speak to him in English only so he’ll be bilingual.
I wonder what kind of uncle I will be, ultimately I’m also thinking what kind of dad I’ll be some day, scary thought. I’d rather be a mum just so I could give birth to the baby, I find it fascinating, and painfully beautiful.
But let’s get to the main thing that is making my day more delicious than yesterday.
IVE BEEN BANNED FROM AUSTRALIA!!
"Sites that depict or gradually describe sexual acts or activity including exhibitionism, also sites offering direct links to such sites." We see porn every day on TV,  adverts about L'oréal are more exciting and evocative than a streap-teaseur.
Yes, viddy again what you’ve just read! They can’t have access to my blog, I guess France is too cool for them, we are known for being comfortable with our sexuality, that it can shock some English-speaking people but I didn’t know that Australians were such stuck-up, Fosters beer, good call my ass.
talking about ass, it reminds me this time of a sweet one-night-stand where I pretended to be called Oscar for the whole night, because of how much I like Oscar Wilde, and the girl believed me, of course, why would she be suspicious?
 And after she would struggle to find me on facebook so everything’s going well so far. After a few drinks, we’re going back to her’s, have sex (Fuck you Australia) and in the middle of it she shouted” AU SECOUUURS!!!” Which means HELP! In French… I thought she was trying to tell me that she was into some kind of sado-maso thing and wanted to role-play so I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair and pulled it back quite strongly, she slapped me, I thought wow she’s really going for it.
And she shouted : “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU????!!!”  Slapped me again and kicked me out before I could even say something.
I then realized that she wasn’t shouting AU SECOURS but OSCAR… My “name” of the night.
 So now my one night stand name is François. I plan to call my future son François actually.
I’m having such a nice day.

A French in Glasgow. Party 2/3

Amazing, i know the host. I actually enjoy the company of this last one, I could easily tolerate a conversation with him. I give him a hug while smiling as I turn off my phone discreetly. I do one step in but I’m still looking at him. Important to say that I didn’t say a word, I only used my facial expressions and eyes to make him understand how I feel. It’s a very good thing to do that could take you far because for some reason, when doing this, it creates some kind of trust between two person as if you just signed a pact of brotherhood.
The person will be convinced that he “gets” you.
Haha…


So, I’m giving him a frown of the eyebrows and point to him with my eyes the ones behind me, making him understand that they’re heavily annoying a bit like this facebook friend that like all your photos when you wish the pretty brunette would do it (I’m talking for your case here dear reader, the brunette do like my photos).
I walk in as if I’m suddenly in a hurry, because I am; I’m going as far away as possible from the main door, the best is always the toilet because you can lock the door, so when the host is telling them:” Sorry, I don’t know you, you can’t come in.” and that they’re shouting “YOANN!”. Well, I’m simply not there.
The door is now closed with the loosers outside. My phone is off so they can’t contact me.  Next time I’ll see them I’ll just tell them how upset I was that they decided to go somewhere else without telling me… snifling snifling bouhouing.

My state of mind at this moment is the following one, I plan to be aggressively nice with people, especially the ones that I can take something from. So I put myself in Charming-mode, I came up with a technique that works wonders! Everytime that you talk to someone, change their appearances in your head.  If you’re a visual, change the blond girl into a baldy, if you’re an emotional, change the blond girl into a starving cat, if you’re more of an auditory person, change her delicate voice into a husky-smokey voice.
By doing this, it will make you do a very unique smile that people always react greatly too, you basically look very present, and in the moment.



The action of trying to make your eyes smaller as you smile will also help, it gives what we call the “chinese eyes”, it’s a very reassuring gaze.
I notice straight away the people that interest me but before I go talk to them, unfortunately, one of the rules is that you will always go please the ladies first in the party, by please I don’t mean anything sexual - yet, but let’s say that if they congratulate you by clapping their hands, guys will then follow, even if the heart isn’t there. You might get some resistance sometimes, but I usually just ignore those ones.
I also have another great skill which is being able to smell when girls have their periods, very handy for a dandy in a party.

I start making up a story to a girl saying that once I was walking on the street, I stopped to light a fag, then a kid saw me, stared at me for a long time and asked his mum if I was God.
 She knows I’m talking shit, and I know it as well of course, but she thinks that I think that she believes me, but I know that she doesn’t. She thinks she’s the smart one, but I’m simply laughing out loud inside myself. Don’t you find it hilarious? It’s euphoric for me, I like to compare it to the tender moment that is when you kiss the neck of a girl for the first time, that you’ve been stalking for 2 months before, or also similar to a massive punch in the face.
It’s important to play on your image, use gimmicks, because if you don’t create them, people will create them for you and you don’t want that. If people are able to do a caricature of you in a second, that means you’ve got a strong visual image, well done. Only a sad fucker would underestimate this fact.
Even Jean Cocteau said: “Ce que le public te reproche, cultive le c’est toi.” I’ll let you translate, only the ones who bother deserve to know what it means.
I’ve always played on the fact that I’m French, wearing a stripy t-shirt, smoking strong cigarettes, shouting “Merde!” every now and again to remind people how lucky they are to be in the presence of a true French.
 Being arrogant, passionate,  unpredictable, having a greasy laugh that comes from the throat, being original but serious.
You probably thought I was describing you the typical behavior of a French. No. I was simply giving you some characteristics that one can have. Because this is my problem, in a party, whatever I will do people will tell me how French I am.
Action of laughing – “Hahaha! You’re so French! Baguette!”
Action of putting my finger in my nose – “Hahaha! You’re so French! You like snails?”
Action of talking to a girl –“ Hahaha! You’re so French! Frog’s legs?”
Action of being moody – “Hahaha! You’re so French! I only know the cheese cheddar.”
Action of standing in front of the window looking at the rain – “Hahaha! You’re so French! Bonjour!”
Action of kissing a girl – “Hahaha! SoOOOooOOooOooooo French!!!!! Wanna Fuck?”
Action of kissing a guy – “ Hahaha! You’re so Fr… Oh wait what the fuck was that? Weirdo.”
Once I was actually just being sick in the toilet with my head deep in it, trainspotting-style and I overheard someone walking in, grinning, and closing the door while saying to himself :” So French.” I didn’t know if my tears were here because I was laughing to that or if it was the fact that I was being sick, whatever it was, I liked being in that situation, being miserable is the only time that you’re true to yourself, there’s a feeling of letting it all out, quite literally for sure but metaphorically as well.

Right, let’s get back to the point, I’m in this party, I notice a girl that is let’s face it not sober at all, but  she’s a babe, I start walking toward her…

TO BE CONTINUED…



The amount of views is growing massively every day, it’s surprising, but not really, I knew it would happen. Thanks for reading anyway my love.


Unlike this guy who’s turning bald, so he wears a hat all the time, and compensate with a bit of stuble but don’t get that he should just shave all his head and look suave; who’s saying how incredible dubstep is with his joint in his mouth. He probably wish he had some massive dreadlocks, he would fit in more easily that’s for sure.

Need to get rid of the others… Just keep calm and follow the code.